Farewell to my faithful fans

Advice from Mom

By Rita Lessard

Since this will be my last time writing an article in the Grand Bend Strip, I would like to congratulate Casey on his perseverance and his courage on creating such a challenging and award-winning newspaper. Once again, you’ve proven that success is not an accident, but that you have the talent to undertake a task that so many people wish they had the guts and the bravery to do, and to accomplish in the three years you have run the Strip. I’m sure your faithful readers will miss you, as I know I will. Good luck in England.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my family and friends for allowing me to use them as resources for my articles. My family and friends are quite funny, so it wasn’t too difficult for me to write most of my articles. My apologies if I’ve offended anyone. My column was meant to be an advice column, but somewhere along the way, I got sidetracked. Sorry!

I think you’ll enjoy Casey’s last issue, especially some of his photos. Since this issue is all about the beach and swimwear, you’ll probably see many shapes and sizes. Some very attractive beings and some not so.

Most people know the expression, “Beauty is skin deep.” Maybe so, but I don’t imagine there are too many livers or bladders that are all that gorgeous. What about that inner beauty stuff? You know, growing up, I was told that many times. I’m okay with it.

I did have my gallbladder removed some years ago, and although there must be some beauty in me, I’m not willing to show my scars to prove it.

Speaking of looking good, it reminds me of my former neighbour, Gloria. Gloria had to accompany her husband Bob when he went for his annual check up. While her husband was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Gloria, “I don’t like the way your husband looks.” “Neither do I,” said Gloria, “but he’s handy around the house.”

A guy spots his doctor in the mall. He stops him and says, “Six weeks ago when I was in your office, you told me to go home, get into bed and stay there until you called, but you never called.” “I didn’t,” the doctor says, “so what are you doing out of bed?”

A man called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.” “But I could be dead by then!” he said. “No problem, sir. If your wife will let us know, we’ll cancel the appointment - no charge, of course.”

The woman went to a dentist to have her false teeth adjusted for the fifth time. She said they still didn’t fit. “Well,” said the dentist, “I’ll do it again this time, but no more. There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.” “Who said anything about my mouth?,” the woman answered, “They don’t fit in the glass!”

My final words of advice:

If you neglected to apply sunscreen, here’s a quick fix: make a past of about 2 tsps of cornstarch to a bit of water, especially if you have a burn on your nose. Then, spread if on the affected area to relieve itching and burning.

Did your child’s bubble gum mysteriously leave her mouth and end up in her hair? Solution: coat the child’s locks with peanut butter, then carefully comb out the goo. The peanut butter will reduce the stickiness, so that you can remove the gum. If the child is allergic to peanut butter, I hear the bald look is in. Sorry, that’s the best I can do.

Have you ever experienced a greenish tint to your hair after swimming in a town pool? It’s a reaction to the chemicals in the water. Fear not, there is a solution to this problem. Before you shampoo, rinse your hair with a little red wine. After you wash and dry your hair, the green will be gone. Any cheap red wine will do. If this doesn’t work, drink the wine and after a while, green may become a favourite colour. (Please avoid driving under the influence.)

Farewell to my faithful fans. I’ve quite enjoyed my writing experience. Love, mom.